fatherhood?

i dont know why ive been thinking about this, but i have.

if i ever become a father (hopefully i will), i want to be a proactive father. i want to be there for my kids as much as i can. if i have to attend a parent teacher conference but i have work that interferes with it, ill cancel work in order to go to school for my kids. if my kids have decide to do sports of take up music, ill show up at every game and every concert they play in. ill be there for career day, no matter what job i hold.

i wonder if these wants have anything to do with a reflection of my own experiences growing up with a father who always had to work. i dont blame him. i know he had to work to support the family. even when i was young, i understood this and was there to help him at our store during the weekends, unpacking boxes, price tagging everything and working at the counter. in no way am i saying that i wasnt jealous when other kids parents would come visit them during meetings, because i was.there were always 'mandatory' meetings during school (you know what im talking about. every school had that shit). i would always walk to school by myself to get to these meetings because my parents were not going to be home till 11pm and certainly didnt have time to leave work and come to these bullshit meetings. usually, it was me and a few black kids whose parents never showed up to anything we did. we would just sit and chill in the back while we watched the other kids and their parents enjoy themselves. im sure that the kids who had their parents there thought we were the lucky ones, but they really had no idea how lucky they were.

fatherhood. what does fatherhood actually entail? the fatherhood i got from my dad was not very...loving, in a western sense. im not trying to insult my dad here, dont get it twisted. if you know anything about the traditional asian fatherhood style, then you know what im talking about. all the shit they gave you when you were young seems to make sense when you are older. i look back on the punishments and beatings and shit and realize that im grateful for all that. back then, i hated it. i didnt understand it. why is my father like this when little white boys are walking around hugging and kissing their dads and shit? truthfully, it does seem like a brutal way to raise a kid, but it works. there are cases of this going bad though. you can see it all over the asian american community. kids who got the same treatment as me, but couldnt accept it and ended up tramautized by it more than helped by it, having all this angst against their parents. anyway, im not ashamed of how i was raised. even though my dad wasnt the most loving of fathers, i learned a lot from him, which made me who i am today. if he didnt beat some sense into me while i was a kid, who knows how i could have ended up?

i dont think i answer any questions that i brought up. haha. anyway. its probably a bit too early for me to be thinking about fatherhood and parenthood. but yea. i think i can be a good dad.

(did i scare anyone? haha.)

(and no, i didnt knock up anyone.)

세상을 더 사랑하게 되었다.

translation: im in love with the world.

honestly.

i cant seem to stomach negativity these days. that whole marriage post in thesimple? bah. even thats too much for me right now. i dont think im trying to avoid anything that would make me feel bad or question my ideas. i just feel like not dealing with petty arguments and discussions. does this mean i think that whole marriage thing is petty? probably. if someone asked me about that right now, i wouldnt have anything to say. whether they think im some blind slave to institutions or not, i could care less.

but besides that whole fiasco,

i think ive gone through another peak experience (read up on maslow my friends). life makes sense to me right now. it might sound ridiculous, but i just want to be all about peace and love. maslow said that peak experiences come easily to those who are self actualized, in other words, a enlightened individual. im not saying im near enlightenment, but this isnt the first time ive felt this way.

its unexplainable really. ive had this entry open for about 40 minutes, trying to figure out how i can describe this ecstatic, euphoric emotion, but its impossible to put into words. i feel this emotion flowing inside me, as if its exuding from the core of my being. (my soul perhaps?). each push of a button on this keypad seems electric. the song playing in the background (which happens to be one of my all time favorite songs) sounds like im hearing it for the first time. everyone i talk to and chat with and interact with, i feel like ive known them all my life. i love them.

i also have constant dejavus. they seem like a reminder of my previous peak experiences. its a comfortable feeling, yet keeps me excited for whats to come.

i often wonder, when i get these experiences, if im feeling closer to some heavenly being. god, allah, whoever.

i never seem to get peak experiences when im with other people. they always start when im alone. i guess im grateful for that, because imagine me going through a peak experience and trying to explain it to a group of people who have no idea what im talking about.

i love life right now. i failed my exam today, but that doesnt seem to bother me. actually, i havent even thought about it all day, even though i was stressing for a couple of nights. i just...got over it.

i love you. and you. and you.

people try so hard to define love. i think everyone has to ability to find and experience love. the only people who actively seek out a definition are the ones who havent experienced what love feels like. once you find it, you know it, and it seems as if you cant define it. at least, thats how i feel. love is subjective though, so what do i know right? i know what i feel, and i know its love. amore.

so im going to sit here, listen to stevie wonder, enjoy myself and make sure that i make the most of my time.

if this post was confusing to you, im sorry. this is just how my thought process was working at the time. its jumping all over the place, but the thread that ties it all together is there.

and i wish i could think of everything going through ya headdddd

fuck

i forgot how to study.

i think i have mono.

i need adderal.

fuckk.

hm

i should be posting about my eurotrip.

i should be studying for my drugs & behavior exam.

but alas

my flu is getting worse.

and im on the 2nd season of the sopranos.

i started watch season 1...14 hours ago.

ahahah.

and im hungry. all i got is a can of tuna.

and i think i smell. thank god for jean paul gaultier.

i have written a blues song. it comes from the heart. my heart. and also my infected throat. and maybe the mucus. oh, the whole deliriousness has something to do with it as well.

enjoy. just imagine a simple blues riff while you read the lyrics and imagine someone like bb king (or me) singing it.

my flus gettin worseee
my boddysss burninnnn
my head is hurtinnnn
my nose is runninnnn
the feva's risinnn
NO FOOOOD IN MY KITCHENNN
just ate some pastaa
tasted like shoesss
WHY YOU GOTTA DO THIS TO ME BABY
the flu bluessss
the flu bluesssssss

i ate some orangesss
drank some ojjjj
chuggedd some wataaa
THEN I TOOK A SHOT OF BRANDYYYY
THE BRANDY WAS GOOOOOD
CLEARED THE SENSESSSSYEAAAA
the flu bluesssss
theeeee flue bluesss

cant even studayy
aint got no monay
the rent is dueee
i smell like pooo
my clothes is durtayy
my hair is nastayyyy
my mac is brokannn
OH WHY GOD WHYYYY
the flu bluesss
the flu bluessss

i spent too much monayyy
travelin the white landsss
crossed the barren dessertt
and the streets of amsterdammm
i meant to say desertttt
but i would like some desserttt
chocolate mouseee
creme bruleeee
tiramisuuuu
OHHHH I SMELL LIKE POOOO
the flu bluessss
the flu bluessss
yeaaaaaa yeaaa.....